INTRODUCING: The sequel to Chloe's Revelation, Learning to Love – Saul's Story

 

To the readers of Chloe’s Revelation in the Amish Girls Series who’ve ever wondered what happened to Saul Brenneman... Saul Brenneman, head-over-heels in love with Chloe Esh, is devastated when his past comes back to haunt him. With no other option, he is forced to marry a woman he does not love and leave behind his precious Chloe forever. Will he ever allow himself to love another woman? And will he be able to forgive himself and accept God’s will for his life?

 

 

 

 

Learning to Love ~ Saul’s Story

 

J.E.B. Spredemann

 

(Excerpt) Copyright 2014

 

 

 

Prologue

 

 

Hot tears streamed down Saul Brenneman’s face as he rode his Appaloosa through the shadowy woodland. He could hardly bear to see Chloe’s breaking heart, so much like his own. To tell the woman he loved – the woman he’d pledged to spend the rest of his life with – that he must leave her for another, had been a load too heavy to bear. Oh, how he loathed himself on this dreadful night! So many thoughts had swirled through his mind; surely there was a way to work this out...Chloe and I could run away together and marry. No, we’d both be shunned and cut off from our families. Maybe Sarah could go to one of those homes for unwed mothers and then give the baby up for adoption. No, Chloe might not even want me after finding out what I’ve done. Perhaps, if Chloe were in the family way, too... No, then Chloe would surely be shamed in her community. Dummkopp, he chided himself incredulously for that last sinful thought. Truly he was desperate and not thinking clearly. In the end, he’d chosen to take responsibility for his actions and do what was expected of him – the right thing.

 

All he knew now was that he must pull himself together, because tomorrow was his wedding day…whether he liked it or not.

 

Chapter 1

 

Just breathe, Saul told himself.

 

As the Vorsinger led out in song, Saul was reminded of the ancestral saints who had gone before their People. It was a last song, a song of death. Slow, mournful. That’s precisely how Saul was feeling at this very moment. Like dying. Like running back to Chloe, begging her forgiveness, and carrying her away to some far-away land where they could live happily ever after. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to happen? 

 

Instead, he sat across from Sarah Mast, the bishop’s daughter. He only half-listened to the short sermon the ministers preached about married couples throughout the Bible. This wasn’t a normal wedding ceremony by any means. Sarah and her mother hadn’t planted any celery in anticipation of it. They didn’t invite their many hundreds of friends and family members. They wouldn’t go out to the homes of friends and loved ones to collect gifts for their home. In fact, the only thing normal about this wedding was that it was after the harvest – well, the early harvest – barely. The sound of Sarah’s sniffling seemed to pound in his ears. He didn’t dare look up. He, too, brushed away a tear, but his was a tear of frustration. Wasn’t there a logical way out of this mess? His heartbeat quickened by the second. This was really going to happen.

 

 

He’d noticed earlier that Sarah was now showing, their sinful deed evident for all to see. He sighed. He’d never imagined himself married at seventeen...and expecting a boppli. Heat rose up his neck and he could feel the perspiration bead on his forehead.

 

What was supposed to be the happiest day of his life had turned into the most horrific. So many times he’d imagined this day with Chloe by his side. He would lock eyes with her and they’d silently communicate their love for one another before a vow was even spoken. When the proper time came, he would take her hand and, with all his heart, repeat the vows the bishop spoke. Then he’d take her home and share all the love he’d kept bottled up inside. He’d pictured them blissfully married in their own little farmhouse with kinner galore all around them as a testament of their love. A happy life; a perfect life.

 

But now that would never be.

 

No. Instead he was stuck with Sarah Mast all his days. And despite his previous desire to court her, he now only held contempt in his heart toward her. After all, this was just as much her fault as it was his own. Why hadn’t she protested? Why hadn’t she stopped them from sinning? Didn’t women know when they would conceive? Another thought occurred to him: did she become pregnant on purpose?

 

Saul allowed his thoughts to wander back to that fateful night. He had been the one to suggest they go to his Englisch friends’ party. It wasn’t the first one he’d been to. He and a couple of Amish buddies had been before and he enjoyed the company of his Englisch friends. But he’d never drunk as much alcohol as he had when Sarah was with him that night.

 

It hadn’t been her first party, either. He’d seen her at one of the hoedowns Zeke Eicher had held in his parents’ barn when they were out of state visiting relatives. He wished he could remember what exactly happened that night, but somehow the alcohol had erased a portion of his memory, leaving a thick fog in its place. He now wondered just how much Sarah recalled.

 

Thoughts whirled in his mind. The last thing he could remember was his Englisch friends encouraging him to drink another beer...or was it a shot of something stronger? His next recollection was waking up in a strange bedroom with a disheveled Sarah Mast at his side. Instantly, he’d realized what they’d done. And immediately he regretted it. He’d always intended to wait until his wedding day. He’d wanted to give himself to the woman he loved. He hadn’t known it then, but he realized now it was Chloe he’d been waiting for. He’d given his most special, sacred gift to someone he didn’t even care for.

 

Oh God, Saul prayed, what have I done? He’d give anything…anything to go back and erase that night.

 

“Saul Brenneman!”

 

Saul blinked back to the present at the snap of Bishop Mast’s fingers and frustrated tone of voice. He looked over and saw Sarah standing and knew he was supposed to be standing next to her with their hands joined. Saul lifted his weight from the chair and forced himself to stand in front of the bishop, but he could not take Sarah’s hand.

 

“Join hands,” the bishop calmly pronounced the command that shouldn’t have been necessary.

 

Saul stood in defiance, hands clenched at his side. The minister walked over and placed Sarah’s hand in Saul’s. He allowed her to loosely grasp his limp hand. Her small hand felt clammy and Saul realized she must be nervous, too.

 

The bishop spoke the words – marriage vows – to which he was to agree to. Saul forced himself to say, “Jah,” because that was what he had to do, but he knew it was a lie.

 

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Sarah walked into the small dawdi haus on her father’s property, just a few hundred feet from the main dwelling. Normally the small cottage, intended for grandparents, would be attached to the main dwelling, but outlying buildings made its proximity impossible. Sarah set a box of linens down on the small oak dining table and wondered how long she and Saul would live with her folks. Would she ever have her own house, the home she’d always dreamed of as a little girl?

 

She felt a sudden movement from inside her belly and rubbed where the little one made its presence known. Only a slight smile tipped the corner of her mouth. Was the boppli a bu or a maedel? She wondered if it would make a difference as far as Saul was concerned. Probably not. One thing she was certain of, though. She would not ask his opinion. As much as she could, she determined to stay out of Saul’s path and let him deal with things his own way. He was clearly still in shock, whereas she’d already had several months to come to terms with her reality – not that it had been easy. No, far from it.

 

Sarah’s eyes scanned the pots and casserole dishes that lined the small countertop, thankful that some of the community members had brought meals. The last thing she felt like doing was cooking after that whole shameful wedding ordeal. Couldn’t Saul just pretend he cared for her and their boppli a little?

 

Heavy footsteps drew her attention to the back door. Saul. She sighed, then turned back to her box of linens to keep her hands busy. She walked to a small pantry and placed some folded hand towels on one of the shelves. The dawdi haus was pretty much prepared for them already, but Sarah wanted to add a few items she had kept in her dower chest.

 

Saul slowly opened the creaking door, letting it slam shut behind him. Sarah winced as he seemed to drag his feet across the floor. He sat down at the table with a thud and covered his face with his hands. Sarah was unsure what to do. Should she attempt to comfort him?

 

“Would you like something to eat?” Her voice sounded quiet even to herself, and she was unsure if Saul had even heard the words.

 

Silence.

 

“Jah, kline bischen,” he eventually answered. 

 

Good. At least she would have something to occupy her mind, distracting her from a grumpy husband. Husband. She sighed again.

 

Saul must’ve heard the burdened breath escape her lips. “You know, if it’s too much trouble I can get it myself,” he spoke, with an edge of frustration.

 

“Nee. I...I’m just tired is all.” Sarah’s hands shook slightly as she swiftly removed a bowl from the cupboard, filled it with the chicken soup her aunt had made, and cut a thick slice of her mamm’s homemade bread. She set it on the table in front of him and then fetched a glass of tea.

 

Sarah then made quick work of the meals on the counter, placing them into the refrigerator. “I’m going to lie down now…uh, if you don’t mind.”

 

Saul nodded in silence.

 

Nearing the only bedroom in the small house, Sarah thought of their sleeping arrangements. It would be strange to sleep next to a man for the first time. Of course, technically it wasn’t the first time, but she didn’t remember much of the actual first time. That was how they got into this predicament in the first place. Surely Saul wouldn’t expect anything from her now that they were husband and wife, would he? No, she was certain Saul had no desire to be near her. His heart clearly belonged to another.

 

Sarah pulled the bedding back and slipped in between the coarse sheets. Her bulky body coiled into the fetal position and she began to sob. She placed a hand over her protruding abdomen and gently rubbed where the baby had just kicked. “I’m sorry, little one. I’m sorry for bringing you into a home without love.”

 

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Although he knew the chicken soup was probably delicious, Saul could barely stomach a few bites. A heavy weight settled on his shoulders. He couldn’t do this. This burden was too much...

 

PURCHASE Learning to Love – Saul's Story HERE (two versions available)